Know the signs of an unhealthy relationship

Educational seminar one of many at Girls World Expo

Abuse can come in many forms. Sometimes it can be confused for love and is not always so easy to distinguish.
"It's not just when he hits you, its all those comments leading up," says Rachel Card, who is a senior in high school of Hardyston. "It may never amount to a physical interaction but it's all the comments that are destructive that eventually makes the relationship destructive and that’s what people have to realize."
Card is helping to coordinate some of the seminars at the Girls World Expo — in the Sussex County Technical School in Sparta, Sept. 30 — that will focus on today’s trending topics, such as body image, bullying, self-esteem and healthy relationships and self-defense.
"If He Makes You Cry," is one of the topics that will be broached at the expo to inform girls about what is and what is not a healthy relationship.
"Girls are so venerable in those ages, being in a relationship is important and they are sometimes willing to put up with things that normally they would not outside of those teenage years or outside of the relationship or with their friends doing things like that," says Jane Lupo, Youth Educator at the Center for Prevention and Counseling in Newton. "But when at this age when in a romantic relationship, girls will put up with things that are normally unhealthy and unsafe, potentially unsafe. It leaves a foundation for unhealthy relationships in the future."

Red flags

Some of the most important things, such as controlling issues or physical abuse, seem obvious to adults are not always obvious to kids.
Lupo notes some signs to watch out for in a relationship including: blaming the girl for his actions or words; shifting responsibility on the girl; won’t let her have friends; or keeping her away from family or friends.
Many times boys will say he wants to keep the girl away from friends/family because he wants to spend time with her.
"Girls interpret that as love, but its controlling and abusive," says Lupo. "If he tries to dictate your clothing, always needs to know where you are, wants to read your texts, these are all warning signs that his issue is more that he needs to control you not that he loves you. Sometimes they will threaten, 'If you break up with me I will hurt myself.' That kind of emotional blackmail. It's very unhealthy, it doesn’t mean he loves you, it means he is trying to manipulate you."
Other situations with verbal abusive usually occur to girls with low self-esteem, who get involved with a guy who tells them that they are stupid and worth nothing and being with him is the only thing making her worth anything at all.
Girls will believe that and stay with the guy because they believe its the truth.
"Most often its not physical, it’s the controlling," Lupo says. "In that age group its very much interpreted from both sides, the girls will think, 'He loves me so much that’s why he follows me everywhere or he's so afraid I will cheat on him so he checks my messages.' Those aren’t signs of love, those are signs of controlling and you will probably never be happy in that situation or have any freedom in that situation. Those are signs of an unhealthy relationship."
Card has had first hand experience, as she was in an abusive relationship before family and friends stepped in. She is hoping the seminar will not only educate girls in similar situations but girls who can help friends/family they know in that situation.
"I am hoping it creates a ripple affect," Card said. "I can tell people and get them out of unhealthy relationships, then they can do the same and it continues. Rarely will a woman seek help on her own, which is unfortunate but true especially at my age, rather her friends have to almost report it, or seek somebody or force her to get help and that’s when it stops."

Help

"If those things are happening in your relationship, those are red flags that they are in a potentially unhealthy relationship that is unlikely to bring any satisfaction," Lupo said. "A healthy relationship should be one of mutual respect, trust, equality."

If faced with this situation, girls should tell somebody — a parent, counselor or teacher at school or any trusted adult about what is going on.
The Center for Prevention and Counseling also offers help for families that are dealing with unhealthy relationships. The center is located at 61 Spring Street in Newton. For more information call 973-383-4787 or visit centerforprevention.org.
Loveisrespect also offers help for teens in relationships. For more information call 866-331-9474 or visit Loveisrespect.org.
2nd Floor is a help line for NJ's Youths. For information call 888-222-2228 for 2nd Floor NJ's 24-hour Youth Helpline or visit 2ndfloor.org.
DASI, the Domestic Abuse & Sexual Assault Intervention Services in Newton. For information call 973-875-1211 for Dasi's 24-hour helpline or visit dasi.org.

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