5 Tips for dealing with difficult people at family holiday gatherings

The holidays, for all of their hopeful preparation and sparkle, can come apart at the seams very quickly when difficult people do what they do. We all know some variations of people, who can strike fear and dread into the holiday experience, but you can change that. You can have your holiday cookie and eat it too when you follow these five tips.

Don’t expect others to change. Our greatest power lies in creating change within ourselves. Though you could delve into the whys about difficult people, and the insight might prove interesting, the fact is, they are who they are and you cannot change them. In fact, it’s a good idea to take a personal inventory to make sure you aren’t someone else’s difficult person. If in all honesty you suspect you are, make a few minor adjustments and promise yourself you will give your best this year.

Be aware and prepare. It is crucial, when facing difficult people, to be compassionately aware of your own vulnerabilities. Knowing and owning them gives you the opportunity to decide how you want to address or deflect intentional insults. Difficult people often hone in on a person’s vulnerability and go in for the kill instinctively. Self-awareness and self-acceptance are the two strongest weapons against bullies.

Use the power of your imagination. In the best relationships and especially in the most difficult, boundaries are the key to a sense of personal well-being. But how do you create good boundaries? One highly effective exercise, called Tending Fences, uses the brilliance of your creative mind to find solutions to these difficult relationships.

For instance, imagine you own a large piece of land that adjoins the property of a crabby neightbor. The current fence that marks the boundary is small and broken, and the neighbor often jumps the fence to snoop around on your land, leaving a mess. Because everything is possible in your imagination, you design a new fence 30 feet tall and 5 feet thick with features that allow the neighbor's good qualities to come through, while a Teflon finish ensures that the neighbor's negativity doesn’t stick. This clear message, mostly to yourself, ensures that nothing she says or does can get to you. Use this Tending Fences exercise for each difficult person and write or draw a description of your custom built fences for future reference.

Review and Resolve. For the week leading up to your holiday gathering, take a few minutes each day to review your Tending Fences work, tweaking each fence as you see fit. Know that when the offending person delivers an insult, the fence will do the work for you, keeping you safe and intact.

Trust yourself. Once you’ve done your Tending Fences work, trust yourself. It will give you a sense of well-being and confidence that will not only be a gift to yourself, but to your family and friends as well.

— Terry Barnett-Martin, M.S., LMFT is a relationship counselor in private practice in Southern California. She is an openhearted, intuitive practitioner and writer who is dedicated to helping people find the purpose and path in their life and relationships.